Rare

1. there are at least 10 more  similar on E-Bay right now
2. I’m too lazy to find out what the heck this really is
3. Nobody with any taste owns one
4. Only Rich Esserman has seen one

Vintage

1. made prior to yesterday
2. really, really, really old, how old, we don’t know
3. chewed stem, cracked bowl, but truly a collectors item
4. found under the front seat of a junked 54 Rambler
5. antique shop found cob with broken shank

Smocked

1.  vision of pipe wearing painters smock

Enjoyed Once

 1.      smoked 100 x, but it only smoked well once.  

No Reserve

1. We'll take whatever we can get for this

pipe, we are already making money on the starting bid.

 Smoked Once

1.      smoked once, every week, for the last 3 years

Pristine

 1.      you’d be amazed at how much we did to make this pipe presentable

2.      pipe sold by seller to vain to wear glasses

3.      any item with 15 or more pictures

 Pre Smoked

 1.      interior has been charred by burning stuff

Estate

 1.      really means well used but estate sounds classier

 Award Winning

 1.      we award this pipe as one the fugliest we have ever seen

Straight Grain

 1.      if you squint and look at it this way, it is straight

No Tooth Marks

1.      we sanded, shaved and re worked it  

Costello

1. Hey Abbot 

2. Who's on first

Laseini ( in script )

1. pipes made by J Sasieni's sister, Leslie

Refurbished

1. a pipe that was in the recent past an unfurbished pipe